You Can

Alvin wrote:
Dear Jon,
Interesting site you have here. However, I’m wondering if your
“iron will” can stand up to the fury that is the evil Dr. Uwe Boll.
I dare you to watch the craptastic crapfest that is Christian Slater’s
triumphant return to crapville - Alone In The Dark. (Which, oddly
enough, is also one of Tara Reid’s best performances)
And if you’re really feeling spicy, try watching it back to back with
Bloodrayne.
Who would have thought two great games could have possibly been turned
into two horrible, horrible movies.
Let’s see what you’re made of!

Alone in the Dark- Dir. Uwe Boll 2005
Thank you Alvin for the wonderful suggestion. There was actually a note on the box of the copy I rented (a common practice at my video store)–a warning of sorts to stay the heck away. I heeded it not! Sorry, I couldn’t do the double feature; just not enough time today.

This movie, though terrible, was not enough to break me. I imagine that two important factors having to do with my daily life fortified my perseverance:

1. I haven’t played video games since Galaga merged with Pac-man to become one machine
2. I actually own the film “House of the Dead” and knew full well what I was getting into

The Plot:
Ultra lame. Calling it hard to follow would be a mistake; it was more like when you figured out what the plot was supposed to be, you just stopped expecting cohesion by default.

Anyway, Christian Slater and Tara Reed are out to kill some creatures. The fate of the world is involved, but more importantly, Slater’s childhood home (an orphanage) is also involved. Trying to follow this film is kinda a waste of time (oh, yeah, Stephen Dorff is in there, too, and he’s got a bone to pick with Slater, but only when he’s not firing his gun at nothing).

What Made It Watch-able:
It was a valiant effort, Alvin, but there were a couple things I actually enjoyed in this movie. First, many of the armed troops somehow reminded me of Super Dave Osborne, which kept me a bit giggly. Second, I made a great MST3K worthy comment during the film (though only my girlfriend was there to hear it). Third, they shot monsters that lived in the dark with bullets coated in a special photon-rich substance, which is of course genius. There were also a few action scenes that kept me going, though the best one occurred in the first 15 minutes of the movie.

The acting left a lot to be desired, but I thought some of the sets were cool. My personal problem with this movie, and with modern sci-fi and horror in general, is the terrible lack of puppetry and good make-up. These things give a film’s monster(s) an actual presence that CG simply does not. There were a few good physical props in “Alone in the Dark”, most notably a centipede looking thing that latched onto people’s spines, but I’ll take “The Gate” or “Clash of the Titans” style special effects over those in just about any modern film in the genre–any day of the week.

Times I had to avert my eyes: 0
Breaks necessary to complete viewing: 1
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 6