You Can

Matt wrote:
one of the most intensely boring films i’ve ever seen, “beyond evil” starring john saxon. if you can sit through this one, it’ll be an early victory for your young project.

Beyond Evil- Dir. Herb Freed 1980

Wow! So, I’d been dreading watching this movie because I know the guy who posed the challenge, and he’s no slouch when it comes to bad cinema. To be perfectly honest, I actually fell asleep for 8 minutes near the middle of the film (don’t worry, I rewound until the last part I saw before I nodded off and started watching again from there).

This movie proudly boasts film legend John Saxon in the lead role, and let me tell ya, that man could cover himself in glue, roll around in leprosy, and still come out looking dead sexy. The female lead was also pretty, but if rolled around in anything other than Oil of Olay, couldn’t hold a candle to Mr. Saxon. To be fair, in “Beyond Evil”, she was the only one who could shoot green destructo beams out of her eyeballs.

The Plot:
John Saxon and his wife (played by Lynda Day George) move to the tropics into an incredibly cheap mansion. They were actually warned that it was haunted before they signed any paperwork (a luxury Coach wishes he had in “Poltergeist”). There are many images of island-style fire-dancing, and almost as many of plaster demons; you also hear about a dead lady named Alma who used to live in the house, and get to see several accidents involving malfunctioning vehicles and/or heavy things falling on people. Lynda Day George’s ring finger swells up like a bratwurst and she learns how to shoot green laser beams out of her eyes. Then the movie ends, leaving everyone unsatisfied (except me, who happily put another notch on my belt).

What Made It Watch-able:
A small spattering of crappy special effects, that were genuinely funny, and one poorly exposed boob all paled in comparison to the game I made of counting the number of men wearing white pants. You just don’t see too many dudes with enough guts to rock white pants outside of 70s and early 80s movies (unless they’re sailors, but I don’t think that should count), and it’s well worth noting whenever it happens en masse. There was also a tad bit of unintentionally comical dialogue. Other than that, this movie was pretty bad.

“John Saxon Gets Directions”

Times I had to avert my eyes: 0
Breaks necessary to complete viewing: 3 (including an 8 minute nap)
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 3