You Can’t Watch This

Bed of Roses

So, I’ve been on hiatus for a little while—sorry about the wait for new reviews. I actually watched this movie about a week ago, and despite the many hours of recovery I’ve been allowed, I still can’t seem to get the stink of it out of my nostrils…

The Plot: This movie stars Christian Slater as a hopelessly romantic florist (yes, the man who once gleamed the cube and pumped up the volume gave up all his cool and started arranging flowers). He happens upon a pretty girl who he proceeds to stalk, send gifts to, and generally freak out. Who would’ve guessed that women actually LIKE this sort of behavior?

So, the woman is an over-achieving yuppie type who’s unhappy, but doesn’t know it until young Slater enters her life. Turns out she’s had a pretty rough past (I mean, she grew up in Pittsburgh—she probably had to eat French fries and coleslaw on every sandwich she consumed until she was 18). Anywho, they hit it off somehow and develop a relationship.

What makes it watch-able: First, I’ve got to give a big “yeah, right” to the whole romance aspect of this movie. Every girl I’ve ever met would be so immediately scared of a man that they met under those circumstances that they’d run for the hills. I wonder how many restraining orders Slater’s character had against him before he met old crazy pants.

As far as being fun to watch goes, this gets a big frowny face. I didn’t fall asleep, but I could’ve. You know when you order a pizza from a new place and there’s too much sauce, not enough cheese, and you find several stray toppings that not only weren’t requested, but you find a little gross? Quite a few movie have been made about two social weirdoes falling in love, and some of them are good (both Harold and Maude and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape come to mind). This movie pales in comparison to so many others with the exact same plot that it’s a particularly sour experience to watch.

Also, the idea of flowers playing a central role in a film is a bit unappealing. In fact, it’s films like this that make life just a little more lame. It sets up this strange scenario that wouldn’t work in real life in like a billion years, then tells all the ladies out there that they should expect this kind of crap from the man who they marry. I’d like to give a medal to every dude out there who’s girlfriend has watched and enjoyed this film (or other films like it), and is still a happy guy.

Don’t get me wrong about the flowers thing. I get it—they’re pretty. Some of them even smell nice. But there are only two situations that I can think of right now where they deserve any ample amount of screen time:

Averted eyes: 0

Breaks needed: 0

Lines I called before the characters said them on screen: 2

Total rating from 1 to 10: 3

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It’s not only a fantastic Richard Pryor movie, but what I’ve been doing for the past week. My apologies for the lack of reviews, and with the holidays approaching, pickings may still be slim in the next 2 weeks. I will try and review at least one film every 4 or 5 days, and if you’ve got any terrible movies you want me to watch, I plan on having a “dare marathon” of sorts after New Year’s.

-JN

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Sean wrote:
You want a bad, bad, movie–watch “The Return” starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. If you’ve seen it already, sorry about the repeat, but I walked out of the theater before [the incredibly terrible movie] ended.

Thanks,
-Z

The Return- Dir. Asif Kapadia 2006

I knew nothing about this movie before I started watching it other than Sarah Michelle Gellar was the star and that it would probably stink. I was pleasantly surprised, however, when I noticed within the first few minutes of the film that it was at least partially shot in Austin, Texas. In one of the driving scenes they show the interstate exit that’s just North of the one you’d take to get to my house. This used to happen all the time when i lived in L.A., but when it happens here in Austin it means more for some reason.

As for the movie itself, I would’ve been better off just watching The Grudge again, or maybe a few episodes of Buffy (though I’m not a huge fan, at least I’d have been able to find company to watch it with me). The Return, though not completely useless, doesn’t have a lot going for it and is pretty forgettable.

The Plot: When she goes on a business trip to Texas, Ms. Gellar starts having visions that she cannot explain and which cause her to do herself bodily harm. Upon further investigation, she realizes that some of the things in these visions have an anchor in reality, and she follows various clues which lead her to a very small town where she rents a room for a while, in hopes that her craziness can be resolved.

She mets a few unsavory characters, and gets attacked by a co-worker. She obsesses over sea horses and has a good long talk with her father about why she becomes off her rocker whenever she comes to central Texas. She meets a rugged cow-puncher, literally the man of her dreams, and the mystery begins to unfold.

What makes it watch-able: Well, Buffy’s pretty good looking, as is her dreamworld counterpart lady, so the film’s got that going for it. Once again, partially shot in Austin–though not enough for the city to “become a character” (a concept that still haunts me from film school). Other than that, this movie is basically just a bunch of filler that leads up to an ending you probably won’t care about. Like so many horror films today, there’s a big stupid revelation at the end that’s supposed to explain it all, but here, there’s absolutely now way for ANY viewer (no matter how smart you are) to put the pieces together before Sarah Michelle does. Basically, you won’t be able to call who the real culprit is because there’s nothing that could possibly lead you to that conclusion–even in the movie, the main character only figures it out by pure luck. Call me a stickler, but I believe that in a murder/mystery sort of film, half the fun is understanding everything at the end. With The Return, that kind of fun is IMPOSSIBLE.

Another problem that I had with the film is that the characters have such weird reactions to everything. If there was one place on the entire planet where I felt uneasy and kept blacking out and waking up with self-inflicted wounds, I’d probably just stay away from it. How hard is it to NOT rent a room in a specific small town in the middle of nowhere? I’d say it’s pretty easy. I, and just about everyone I know, manage to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY without even trying.

If the main character isn’t bad enough, how about her creepy co-worker. The guy practically beats her up in the hall of their workplace, and if that’s not enough, he follows her into the middle of nowhere to try again. You don’t say anything to your boss about this? Isn’t this kind of behavior a bit strange?

Then you’ve got the male lead who stalks the female lead just in case a crazy co-worker happens to try and assault her. Guess it’s a good thing he did, or the stalking, drunk male lead might have felt pretty darn silly kicking in Sarah Michelle Gellar’s motel room door. Anyway, the movie lacks even a basic sense of logic, and is a disappointment in just about every way.

Times I averted my eyes: 0
Breaks needed to complete viewing: 2
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 3

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