Cotter wrote:
Jon, I dare you to watch “attack of the giant leeches”

Attack of the Giant Leeches: Dir. Bernard L. Kowalski 1959

I took this dare and watched the movie in its entirety, even though I realized about 10 minutes in that I’d already seen it before. That’s OK–it’s short (barely over an hour long). There’s a special place in my heart for old monster movies. There’s just something about them that feels right. I like the missing frames and dirty reel ends, but above all, I admire the filmmakers who are sure they can scare an audience by showing a guy walking around in a garbage bag with suction cups taped to the outside of it. You can’t do stuff like that anymore and expect to have your movie played in a theater unless you’re being ironic, which is way lame.

The Plot: I bet you’ve already figured it out. some giant leeches start sucking the blood out of unsuspecting victims who, for one reason or another, end up hanging out near a swamp. It is suspected that the leeches got real big by being exposed to radiation, but the film leaves their origins vague so we can come up with our own personal reasons (thereby increasing the horror by bringing giant leeches off of the screen and into our minds). The good guys end up with a big mess on their hands before the ordeal is through. Do they win? You’ll have to see for yourself…

What makes it watch-able: Well, it was pretty short. Some of the characters had some pretty terrific hair. The monsters were just as I described above, and quite wonderful, but they didn’t get nearly enough screen time. There was this one guy who looked like he was straight out of “Cry Baby” or the band Guitar Wolf who I could’ve used more of, but the fact that he was there in the first place was a good thing. And there was dynamite…

Probably the best thing about this film was that when I looked it up on IMDB, I saw that someone is busy filming a remake of it. I guess it could be good. I had this awesome idea for a live action Smurfs movie, where the smurfs looked just like very small people, but they were blue. Gargamel was going to be 1000 years old and living off a magical potion he made from captured smurf skin, and the smurfs would be this kind of communist society that just kind of acted like the weird wizard that ate their pals was a part of life. That is until this one smurf with a red hat got things riled up and began training an army to rid themselves of the wizard and his crappy cat. I was thinking a strong PG-13 or a mild R would be appropriate.

P.S. I’m pretty sure that someone is also in production on a Smurf movie right now, but it will be worse than the one I would’ve made.
Times I had to avert my eyes: 0
Breaks needed to complete viewing: 1
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 5







		
				
		

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