Sean wrote:
You want a bad, bad, movie–watch “The Return” starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. If you’ve seen it already, sorry about the repeat, but I walked out of the theater before [the incredibly terrible movie] ended.

Thanks,
-Z

The Return- Dir. Asif Kapadia 2006

I knew nothing about this movie before I started watching it other than Sarah Michelle Gellar was the star and that it would probably stink. I was pleasantly surprised, however, when I noticed within the first few minutes of the film that it was at least partially shot in Austin, Texas. In one of the driving scenes they show the interstate exit that’s just North of the one you’d take to get to my house. This used to happen all the time when i lived in L.A., but when it happens here in Austin it means more for some reason.

As for the movie itself, I would’ve been better off just watching The Grudge again, or maybe a few episodes of Buffy (though I’m not a huge fan, at least I’d have been able to find company to watch it with me). The Return, though not completely useless, doesn’t have a lot going for it and is pretty forgettable.

The Plot: When she goes on a business trip to Texas, Ms. Gellar starts having visions that she cannot explain and which cause her to do herself bodily harm. Upon further investigation, she realizes that some of the things in these visions have an anchor in reality, and she follows various clues which lead her to a very small town where she rents a room for a while, in hopes that her craziness can be resolved.

She mets a few unsavory characters, and gets attacked by a co-worker. She obsesses over sea horses and has a good long talk with her father about why she becomes off her rocker whenever she comes to central Texas. She meets a rugged cow-puncher, literally the man of her dreams, and the mystery begins to unfold.

What makes it watch-able: Well, Buffy’s pretty good looking, as is her dreamworld counterpart lady, so the film’s got that going for it. Once again, partially shot in Austin–though not enough for the city to “become a character” (a concept that still haunts me from film school). Other than that, this movie is basically just a bunch of filler that leads up to an ending you probably won’t care about. Like so many horror films today, there’s a big stupid revelation at the end that’s supposed to explain it all, but here, there’s absolutely now way for ANY viewer (no matter how smart you are) to put the pieces together before Sarah Michelle does. Basically, you won’t be able to call who the real culprit is because there’s nothing that could possibly lead you to that conclusion–even in the movie, the main character only figures it out by pure luck. Call me a stickler, but I believe that in a murder/mystery sort of film, half the fun is understanding everything at the end. With The Return, that kind of fun is IMPOSSIBLE.

Another problem that I had with the film is that the characters have such weird reactions to everything. If there was one place on the entire planet where I felt uneasy and kept blacking out and waking up with self-inflicted wounds, I’d probably just stay away from it. How hard is it to NOT rent a room in a specific small town in the middle of nowhere? I’d say it’s pretty easy. I, and just about everyone I know, manage to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY without even trying.

If the main character isn’t bad enough, how about her creepy co-worker. The guy practically beats her up in the hall of their workplace, and if that’s not enough, he follows her into the middle of nowhere to try again. You don’t say anything to your boss about this? Isn’t this kind of behavior a bit strange?

Then you’ve got the male lead who stalks the female lead just in case a crazy co-worker happens to try and assault her. Guess it’s a good thing he did, or the stalking, drunk male lead might have felt pretty darn silly kicking in Sarah Michelle Gellar’s motel room door. Anyway, the movie lacks even a basic sense of logic, and is a disappointment in just about every way.

Times I averted my eyes: 0
Breaks needed to complete viewing: 2
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 3

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