You Can’t Watch This

Haven’t had too much time to watch anything truly bad in the last week, as I’ve been up in Boston hanging out with an old friend (well, same age as me, but we’ve known each other for quite a while). I DID get to see the new Rambo, and I must say that it was, in no uncertain terms, a unique experience. I don’t think I’ve ever watched anything so brutal in my life. Rambo has truly become a killing machine…

Also went to see The Orphanage. Good stuff. Not quite as scary as I thought it would be, but interesting and fun to watch. Cloverfield is probably the best thing I’ve seen in the past week, unless you count the partial marathon of Tales from the Darkside I saw yesterday on Sci-fi. Tonight will bring a second screening of Juno, and hopefully some X-Files.

As far as being in Boston goes, the city’s been good to me and the company’s been fantastic. Went to Walden pond yesterday and got in touch with nature, but don’t worry, I’m not giving up DVDs or remote controls any time soon!

-JN

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Who’s Your Caddy - Dir. Don Michael Paul 2007

I know what you’re thinking: a movie about black people playing golf at a stuffy, all white country club–it’s gotta be hilarious! This is in no way the kind of cinema that I’d call extraordinary, but when you compare it to other things that pass as comedy these days (”Date Movie” comes to mind), Who’s Your Caddy isn’t really that bad. I watched this with a friend. He was actually the poor sap to bring it to the counter at the video store, and he got a little embarrassed in the process. I can’t blame him. Every once in a while it happens to me, too. I’d rather have a bottle of hemorrhoid cream fall out of my pocket on a first date than bring some of the things I rent up to the counter at the video store. The former is a medical condition that you don’t have any control over, and I think people are okay with stuff like that (or at least they should be). On the other hand, you have to go out of your way to rent “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama” and those people behind the counter know it. I digress.

This movie is pretty fun in a lot of spots, not so funny in others. One of my particular favorites is the tricked-out golf cart, just because I think it’s funny when people put rims on things. There are also a few great shots of interesting situations set to rap music. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

The Plot: Big Boi from Outkast applies to an all white country club, where the principal from Ferris Bueller runs the show. The Boi is quickly turned down, but, with a bit of luck, manages to purchase a property next door that contains an important piece of the golf course. Using this property as leverage, he gains entry to the club for him and his crew. As you can imagine, this is where the fun really begins.

The rappers make some pretty wacky decisions, and the stuff-shirts respond accordingly. In a climax that’s rather reminiscent of Caddyshack, the opposing sides make a bet on a round of golf. The loser, of course, must leave the club forever.

What makes it watchable: I’m a bit ashamed of how easy this movie was to watch, and how many times it made me laugh. I kept thinking of Bamboozled, probably my favorite Spike Lee film, and its comparison of films like this, and gangsta rap in general, to the old minstrel shows. Chris Rock’s stand-up also comes to mind (”here you go, Shaq–go buy yourself a bouncing car”).

The film is full of stereotypes, and in some ways is a step backwards as far as cinema goes. However, when most of the comedies in the theater rely on pretty explicit sexual humor and a level of crudeness that makes even some of my peers blush, it’s hard to knock a film that’s relatively tame in comparison, but still manages to get some laughs. This isn’t the best movie ever, or even the best movie I watched yesterday (that was Mystic River), but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy watching it.

No breaks or averted eyes

Overall score from 1 to 10: 6

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Sea Prince and the Fire Child - Dir. Masami Hata 1981

So, my brother suggested this film. He saw it when he was a kid, and then didn’t watch it again for about 8 years. He was sporting enough to sit through it with me the other night. He told me that he used to really like it, but that he figured I’d think it was crappy. Having watched it, I couldn’t agree more.

The Plot: Basically, this is a retelling of Romeo and Juliet (like there aren’t enough of those already) set in and around the ocean. The sea prince is told that fire children are all rotten, and similar stories are told to the fire children about water people. Inevitably, the two youths meet and fall in love. There are some flowers that shoot spores high enough to reach the sun, a turtle that can talk, a bratty little urchin with a horn on his head, and a big booty fire queen to top it all off. They sweetened up the ending a bit so kids wouldn’t have to deal with death (though one of the recently mentioned characters bites it, so at least the kids won’t have to deal with death of anyone that matters), and left out some of the more minor plot points of the original.

What makes it watch-able: About 10 minutes into it, I really wanted to throw in the towel. Don’t anyone take this personally, but anime is totally lame. I know, I know–there is some quality stuff out there that I’d like if I only watched it. Whatever. Who cares? People don’t have to say things like that about actual movie genres, like comedy or drama. Know why? Because if you take the time to watch more than 10 of those, you’ll probably see something you enjoy. I could watch a stack of anime the size of the Sears tower and be amused like three times. Anime isn’t really a genre, it’s more an affliction or an infestation. If your video store is exposed, before you know it, there’s an entire wall or section devoted to it. I’d much rather that space be filled with old vhs stuff that you can’t find on DVD yet or a few hundred copies of Suburban Commando.

Maybe it’s me. I just can’t understand why a grown man or woman would put so much time into watching and collecting this stuff. Well, back to this particular movie. They easily could’ve called the film “Underwater Romeo and Juliet: Without All the Cool Parts and with Characters You’ll Find Annoying and Unreasonable” or “Pointless-A-Go-Go”. People have such an affinity for this stupid story, and they keep retelling it over and over again–it seems like each version I see is worse than the last. Tromeo and Juliet and West Side Story are both pretty good, but it’s only because the people making them knew that if they didn’t go in kind of a new direction somehow, they’d just be delivering the same old crap in a different diaper.

Deep breath…deep breath…
Okay, I just reread what I just wrote, and I’m being entirely too hard on this film and others like it. It wasn’t that awful bad–I had a few laughs, and the animation was okay. Before I watched it, I read up on it on IMDB, and there were all these great reviews and all of these folks saying that this was the best movie they ever saw. I suppose I’m more dissapointed with them than I was with the actual film. For anybody out there over the age of 18 that’s seen this and would put it in their top 20: why don’t you grow up and rent some Hitchcock?

No averted eyes
2 well deserved breaks
5 of 10

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