I Can Watch “Audition”

February 26th, 2008 by burningoak01 
steph wrote:
I’m picky when it comes to movies, so there are so many I can suggest.
 But
you’re gonna be hard to get… I think the only way you wouldn’t be
 able to
make it through a movie is if it contained something you completely
 fear or are
disturbed by. For example, I couldn’t make it through”Audition” because
 the girl
makes someone eat a bowl of HER VOMIT! which is just totally wrong in
 every way.

Audition - Dir. Takashi Miike 1999

Okay, if someone could please give me an answer to this question, I’d be grateful forever: When did Japan lose its mind? The same filmmaking culture that brought us enormous monsters crushing cities and samurai tales that are the things of legend has now become just plain odd. You see it on Youtube, and last night I saw it in one of its more disturbing forms in Audition. Now, Japan has also produced some of the most absurd and funny things I’ve ever seen–in fact, director Takashi Miike is responsible for at least one of my favorites (The Happiness of the Katakuris, check it out–it’s phenomenal). The goofy Japan is just fine by me and my life is better because of it, but I worry about the brutal Japan. I guess the next question here is, where do we go from here, Japan? What else can we possibly do?

The Plot: Okay, a middle aged widower, Aoyama, takes his son’s advice and decides to find a new love. While at a bar after work, his friend in business suggests having a casting call (an audition, if you will) to meet girls. It totally works! Aoyama meets the girl of his dreams, and they get together. And she is SO into him. Sounds okay so far, right?

Cut to the night Aoyama decides to propose to this chick and it all goes bleeding nut bonkers. All of a sudden there’s puke and torture and a weird libidinous cripple and all sorts of other crazy stuff that totally turns the movie upside down. Suddenly I have no idea what’s going on, and only know when it ends because the credits roll.

What Makes it Watchable: You tell me. If you’re into brutal torture and legs both with and without feet, you’re in for a treat. Dig boring, drawn out, awkward romances? There’s about an hour and a half of that here, too. If you like unique, look no further. And if you’re simply a fan of things that are hard to follow, just go ahead and skip to the 4th to last chapter and have a field day.

I can’t really fault the director too much. The directing is good, and the guy is like the most prolific person on the planet. I have to say, though, that I have no desire to watch this ever again. Once again, I can handle a lot of things when Sylvester Stallone is doing them, simply because it’s almost a joke to begin with (though that last Rambo was REALLY pushing it). But when you’ve got these characters that appear earnest in their brutality, it’s a total turn off. I wish that Miike would delve more into absurdity in it’s more comical forms (and I guess, if I think about it, he kinda has, since this was one of his earlier works), but I’m tired of bringing home one of his films and just feeling dirty or making it so that my neighbors wil never hang out with me again–I’m talking to you, Visitor Q.

Anyway, Audition is very slow for the most part, and then completely off the wall for the rest. I know that some of you out there are into that, and at points I am too, but in my opinion, this is one that doesn’t require subsequent viewings.

Breaks needed to complete viewing: 1 very long one
Times I averted my eyes: I think 2 or 3, but I couldn’t help peeking (for which I am sorry in retrospect)
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 6



		
		
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I Can Watch “Gigli”
  February 24th, 2008 by burningoak01
        

			


Tom wrote: Kind of a generic, unoriginal suggestion here but


I’ve never met anyone that’s
seen this yet it is widely perceived as horrible…
My suggestion is “Gigli.”Better you watch it than me.




Gigli - Dir. Martin Brest 2003


There’s something to be said about a movie that has inspired as much hatred as Gigli. We’ve all heard the horror stories about how terrible the film is, and I knew that it was just a matter of time before someone would dare me to watch it. The cover alone is a bit intimidating, and the fact that I was initially given “Gigi” at the counter of my video store further added to the idea already in my head that I wouldn’t be able to watch this. Life, however, is a series of challenges, and I wasn’t about to back down from this one. After returning to the video counter to procure the proper film, I called up a buddy, and the watching did commence.


The Plot: Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a hired goon sent to kidnap and keep an eye on Brian, a mildly retarded teenager (?) who’s brother is a big time federal prosecutor. Ricki (J-Lo) shows up to make sure that the operation goes smoothly.


Gigli is, of course, attracted to Ricki. Too bad she’s a lesbian. Anyway, the unlikely trio spends most of the movie simply getting to know each other. The experience not only brings each closer to the other two, but ultimately to themselves, as well.


What Makes it Watch-able: First off, I watched this as a dare double-feature. When you pair just about anything with The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (review coming soon), the former will look like “North By Northwest” in comparison. Circumstances aside, I must admit that Gigli didn’t live up to the kind of terrible hype it received–really, it wasn’t half bad.


Not that it was half good either. The story is asinine at best. J-Lo’s unreal calm in the face of danger and sexual advances is well beyond believable. This is okay in a film like Rambo or Cobra, but in Gigli, her demeanor starts to wear on you quickly. The long speech, accompanied with her own brand of junk laden yoga, about a ladies crotch is far from the priceless gem that it was obviously meant to be. I often find it difficult to not project an actress’s beauty onto her performance. Basically, if she looks good, I am usually left with the general feeling that she did a good job. Lopez is pretty darn attractive, but it just wasn’t enough–too bad considering that she has at points blown me away completely (see Out Of Sight) Affleck isn’t bad. He does a pretty good job of playing an uptight butthole with anger issues.


Both Christopher Walken and Al Pacino show up, and each adds his own intensity to the film for a few seconds, but the real prize in Gigli is Brian (Justin Bartha). As far as young actors portraying the mentally handicapped go, he’s no Gilbert Grape’s brother, but he does deliver one line that had me laughing for a full minute straight. I’m not going to ruin it for anyone, but it’s perfection.


I almost forgot! I don’t know what the reaction of the actual lesbian community was to this film, but it couldn’t have been positive. First, the main lesbian character gets with a guy–LAME! But even more insulting, a supporting lesbian character, J-Lo’s ex in the film, is a total nutjob the whole time she’s on screen. She shows up for like 10 seconds, tries to kill herself (in one of the most mild and under-the-radar suicide attempts ever to be put on camera), and then gets made all better after a quick hug from Lopez. If I was a lesbian, this movie would make me sick. I guess it did that to a certain extent, anyway, and there’s a lot of the country that would agree with me.


Would I recommend Gigli to others? Not really. Does it deserve to be singled out as one of the worst movies ever? Not a chance.


Breaks needed to complete viewing: 0

Times I averted my eyes: 0

Overall rating from 1 to 10: 4


		
		
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I Can Watch “Jack-O”
  February 22nd, 2008 by burningoak01
        

			
 


Jack-O - Dir. Steve Latshaw 1995


Okay, so this wasn’t a dare. This was something that I wanted to rent. I got back from my 2 month “vacation” in the northeast yesterday evening, but I haven’t made it to the video store. Fortunately, Jack-O was waiting for me when I got home (thank you Netflix). This movie is super bad. Not “Superbad”, which was good, but super bad, which is bad. Which is surprising, considering that it features a Carradine, Brinke Stevens (of “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” and “The Slumber Party Massacre” fame), and Linnea Quigley (who, here, gets the top billing she so often deserves, but is frequently stripped of). Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen by a long shot, but my hopes were way up in the air before I even put the disc in.


The Plot: The last descendant (who happens to be about 9 years old) of a dude who kills a demon must fight a scarecrow type thing 80 years after its last grave rising. His ineffectual family and a babysitter sent from the heavens (Linnea, of course) help him with his cause on Halloween night. There are some dream sequences and a moderately extended shower scene, but as far as plot goes, that’s about it.


What Makes It Watch-able: I actually thought that this film approached real horror movie status, which was a pleasant surprise. There were a couple of scenes where the “pumpkin man” was honestly creepy. The problem was that this movie’s budget and other restraints totally held it back from being something spectacular. The cast was descent; the effects, though mostly crappy, had a certain charm. The story wasn’t great, but it wasn’t particularly bad. I think that it just took itself too seriously in the wrong places, and not seriously enough in others. The possibility was there. Watching this made me feel like a mother catching her kid smoking pot before the SATs. The potential really was there, but it missed the mark.


On the upside, there were a few scenes that will keep a viewer not unlike myself (I believe the appropriate terminology is “craphound”) going. A lady tries to attack the Jack-O with a butter knife–the results are worth watching. Linnea is in top form as always, and, in my humble opinion, carried the movie. There’s this fat guy with a pretty funny laugh. The killing is usually sub-par, but a couple of times, pumpkin man does a descent job.


One thing to watch for in the film: try and figure out the radius of where things take place. The Jack-O in action is relatively slow. He can’t catch a kid half his size even if they’re 2 feet away from each other, but he can appear at places that should be halfway across town in a millisecond. This wouldn’t surprise me so much (I mean, he IS a demon back from the grave) if the other characters couldn’t magically appear wherever they wanted, as well. Either this town is the size of a broom closet, or it’s built on a wormhole. Or Prince built it in the future and brought it back with him, along with his music that shouldn’t exist yet. Whatever the reason, throughout the incredible amount of exposition in this film, they never mention how everyone can get everywhere whenever they need to be there.


All that being said, I thought that the movie as a whole was OK. The last half hour was almost good–the first 45 minutes was awful.


Breaks Needed: 0

Averted Eyes: 0

Rating from 1 to 10: 4.5


		
		
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