aaron wrote:
Hey what’s up dude? I DARE you to sit through John Carpenter’s “Vampires”. Not obscure at all but still dreadful! James Woods‘ worst performance ever and there’s a fat Baldwin to contend with.

Okay, so I saw this movie right around the time when it first came out and thought it was pretty sweet. When I saw this dare, I couldn’t believe it! How could anyone find fault with this movie?! After discussing the film a bit with one of my college friends who totally thought it was lame, I decided that maybe I’d missed something and figured I’d give it another shot. Who knows? Maybe it really IS bad?

The Plot: James Woods leads a gang of vampire slayers sanctioned by the Vatican (and yes, one is a portly Baldwin). They hang out, kill the walking dead, and party like there’s no tomorrow. Sounds pretty good so far…

After a particularly nasty day of work, and during a particularly nasty party, a Master vampire burst in and kills just about everybody. He even kills the priest that does the blessings for each hunt. Okay, it’s still good.

Only Woods and Baldwin survive, along with a hooker from the party who’s already been bitten, but will soon have a psychic link to the Master, so she’s worth keeping around. Woods goes to see Bishop something or other and ends up getting himself a new priest. It also comes out that Woods comes from a broken home–his Dad got bit by a vampire and ended up eating his Mom, so little Jimmy had to off him. I’m totally buying everything up to this point.

The hunters have to race this Master to some “black cross” out in the middle of nowhere, and a showdown ensues. There’s a little love, a bit of action, and a lot of heartbreak near the end.

What Made It Watch-able: What I want to know is this: when do we get to the sucky part? Was there something after the credits that turned the movie bad? I don’t know how to say this, but THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!!!! Okay, Kill Bill Vol. 2 and It’s a Wonderful Life are pretty good, too, but how in the world do you not like Vampires?!

This movie had everything going for it from beginning to end. Cool ways to kill vampires, a freakin group of bad asses picked by the Pope to waste the undead, hookers, tough priests, a Master vampire who my brother wisely pointed out looked a whole lot like the guy from Type O-Negative, cross bows, pudgy Baldwins that get the girl (even if she is tainted by vampire bites and years working the corner). There is NOTHING in this movie that is even the least bit bad. It is fantastic!

That being said, I’m always up for learning new things. If anyone can give me a single reason why this movie deserves anything less than praise that isn’t “it just sucks” or “the acting wasn’t that great”, I am all ears.

No Averted Eyes, Couldn’t Tear Myself Away From The Screen Long Enough To Take A Break, 8.5 out of 10

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