You Can’t Watch This

The Rev. Baron Librarian Eric () wrote:
Okay, I’ve not been having much luck daring you to watch movies you can locate (a situation likely to have been exacerbated by your skipping town), but here goes:  watch Neon Maniacs.
I’d say this was the bastard inspiration for M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs, but then I’d have to concede that M. Night Shyamalan is capable of being inspired.
The copy on the original VHS box for this one was truly inspired, however.  And
against all odds, this one has been reissued on DVD (by Anchor Bay’s prolific
Questionable Standards Division), so you may be able to hunt it down.  Good luck!

Neon Maniacs - Dir. Joseph Mangine 1986

So, I had this movie in my possession for about a week before I watched it. The trailer was fantastic, but I really wanted company for the actual viewing. No such luck. Everybody is smarter than me, apparently. I thought it was going to be good. Let me tell you something, this movie is a complete waste of time. It had good monsters, good make up, lots of stupid and/or sex-crazed teenagers, and a music sequence like you ain’t never seen (if you’re ever walking by a high school auditorium and you see a flyer for a battle of the bands between Jaded and the Outlaws Kids, I suggest you go). Still stunk. Big time.

The Plot: The Neon Maniacs (there’s like 30 of them, with personality traits not unlike those of the Garbage Pail Kids Movie characters) live under a bridge and come out when it’s not raining to kill teenagers and cops. When it rains they go away.

You know what this movie didn’t remind me of? Hatchet. This is a relatively new DVD release that I watched this evening, and it was bad ass. Sweet looking monster, lots of sex-crazed teenagers, good make up, etc. It was all of about 80 minutes long. During that 80 minutes, we get cameos from both Robert Englund and Tony Todd. We get several scenes of vomiting–one of which I’ll never forget. We get Bourbon street at mardi gras. We get some really good gore and an ending that makes me understand how much the universe loves me.

Hatchet is billed as a return to “old school American horror”, and i must say that, in a very literal way, it delivers. If you want to see things like this:

or even things like this:

Hatchet is the way to go.

What makes it watch-able: Neon Maniacs or Hatchet? Neon Maniacs has a great trailer. I’d put it up there with the trailers for “Dominique is Dead”, “Assault of the Party Nerds”, and “Mistress Frankenstein”. Do yourself a favor–just watch the trailer and leave watching the actual movie to studs like me. Hatchet, i think, has already been built up enough. If you’re into horror and are sick to death of these PG-13 Japanese rip-offs and the screwball antics of the “horror/comedy” genre, give Hatchet a try. At worst, you’ll have only wasted about 77 minutes if you don’t watch the credits.

Times I averted my eyes: 0
Better things i could have been doing with my time: umpteen
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 3

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The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism - Dir. Harald Reinl 1967

This is the first movie from the “can’t find it” section of the dare list that I actually found. I imagine it was a slightly different cut. If anyone is interested, you can find on at Netflix under the title “Castle of the Walking Dead”. Actually a far more fitting title considering there is no Dr. Sadism in the movie, and the “torture chamber” doesn’t really live up to its name.

The Plot: Roger, our hero, gets summoned to a business meeting at the strange castle of Count Regula. On the way, Roger meets up with Lilian, Babette (Lillian’s servant girl), and a peculiar priest named Fabian. The foursome take a carriage ride up to the castle, but are hijacked by hired goons. The two girls are abducted, while the men must find their own way to the castle through a forest filled with body parts and dead people hanging from trees.

Once they get to the castle, Roger and Fabian (who turns out to not be a priest at all) find that the girls are well and that Count Regula is pretty weird. Actually, they find out that he’s a reanimated corpse that’s been dead for 35 years. Regula’s evil plan requires the death of Roger for revenge (and by pendulum), and taking Lilian’s blood for scientific purposes.

Don’t want to spoil the ending, but Regula’s plan doesn’t exactly go off without a hitch.

What Makes it Watch-able: The music in this movie is fantastic. It’s the same song over and over again, but played differently depending on the mood of the scene. Like the first Rocky.

I have a real affinity for the look of this movie. The film stock (and the condition of it during the transfer) are perfect. Watching a movie that looks like this is a pleasure.

That being said, this film wasn’t great. It’s got some surrealistic elements that are kind of interesting, and Christopher Lee is always a bonus, but it never really gets off the ground. The pendulum thing is just plain stupid. A lot of the movie is carriage ride, which is fine, but not all that intriguing. When you promise someone a torture chamber or some serious sadism (which you’d expect from someone with a PHD), it’s always disappointing when  it’s not delivered. If they would have called the film “The Long Carriage Ride to Dr. Soliloquy’s” or “Castle of the Grumpy Dead” I’d have been better prepared, and probably happier with the film as a whole.

Times I averted my eyes: 0
Breaks needed to complete viewing: 0
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 4

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Amy () wrote:
Hey Jon,
I dare you to watch “Shoot Em Up” starring Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci.  I’m reluctant to suggest this movie because it’s not really a fair dare if I think you will enjoy it, which I suspect you might.  I, on the other hand,  had to restrain myself from “Shoot em up-ing” my fellow applauding and cackling theatergoers while watching this movie.  What is so hilarious about shooting the sh-t out of people- most of the time it wasn’t gory or ridiculous enough to make me laugh anyway- even though there were a few moments that were.
Plus there’s a CG baby that was trying to reach through the movie screen and steal my soul the whole time.  I tried to focus my attention on Monica Bellucci’s breasts for safety, but not even they could save me (AHHH!!).  Anyways, good luck & happy watching!

Shoot ‘Em Up - Dir. Michael Davis 2007

HEY, AMY! GUESS WHAT? THIS MOVIE IS GREAT!!! THIS IS THE KIND OF FILM THAT MADE ME START THIS SITE IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU’VE DONE ME A GREAT SERVICE BY DARING ME TO WATCH IT–HOW WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO THANK YOU?!

THE PLOT: I DON’T REMEMBER TOO WELL. THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO WAS REALLY GOOD AT SHOOTING THINGS DISTRACTING ME.

WHAT MAKES IT WATCH-ABLE: LET ME TELL YOU, BUDDY, THIS GUY COULD SHOOT ANYTHING! HE COULD GET A JOB SHOOTING CERTS AND TURNING THEM INTO BREATHSAVERS, AND HE COULD DO IT FROM A MILE AWAY. I KEPT THINKING WHAT THIS GUY’S DAY TO DAY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE (OR MORE PRECISELY, WHAT MY DAY TO DAY LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF I HAD THOSE KINDS OF SKILLS). I CAN JUST IMAGINE MYSELF UNTYING MY SHOE LACES BY SHOOTING THEM, OR PREPARING DINNERS FOR ONE BY SHOOTING THEM OUT OF THE FREEZER, INTO THE OVEN, AND MAYBE THROWING SOME NINJA STARS AT THE DIALS TO HEAT IT UP. THERE IS NO END TO WHAT I WOULD DO IF I COULD USE WEAPONS THAT WELL–IT IS A GREAT TESTAMENT TO CLIVE OWEN’S GENEROUS NATURE THAT HE WOULD GO AROUND PROTECTING BABIES. I’D END UP SQUANDERING MY TALENTS TURNING COMPOSITION PAPER INTO BINDER PAPER OR MAKING MY OWN MESH SHIRTS ONE HOLE AT A TIME.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, THOUGH, THAT I UNDERSTAND (THOUGH CERTAINLY DON’T AGREE WITH) WHERE AMY IS COMING FROM. THIS MOVIE APPROACHES, WITHIN THE FIRST 4 MINUTES, A LEVEL OF LUDICROUS THAT IS RARELY SEEN. IF THIS ISN’T YOUR KIND OF THING, IF YOU AREN’T THE SORT OF PERSON WHO’S INTERESTED IN WHAT CAN BE SHOT, WHERE YOU CAN SHOOT IT, AND WHAT KIND OF EFFECT THAT BULLET CAN CREATE UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES, THIS MOVIE WILL BE A BIT MUCH FOR YOU. VERY SIMILAR, IN FACT, TO READING A MOVIE REVIEW WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS. BOOYAH!!!

Breaks needed to complete viewing: 0, and also went back and watched a few favorite scenes immediately after the movie was done
Times I averted my eyes: couldn’t have done it if I tried
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 9 this movie was fantastic!

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