I got one for ya…

GARBAGE PAIL KIDS - THE MOVIE.  (1987)

Watch it and weep, dude.

Matt

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie - Dir. Rodney Amateau 1987

I should’ve expected it. This movie is terrible. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is one of those films that I kinda went along with liking when I was a kid (not unlike Top Gun) just because a bunch of my friends thought it was funny. Silly me! I had myself convinced that the 10 year old me might have been a little jaded in his condemnation of this movie–that the camp value alone would be enough to get me through as an adult. Couldn’t have been more wrong.

The Plot: A kid that gets picked on by a group of “thugs” finds friendship at his place of work in the form of a quirky shop keeper and a group of the most foul puppets I’ve ever seen. One farts, one has bad breath, one throws up, one’s got a runny nose, one wets himself, and one’s an alligator. The kid has a crush on the number one thug’s girlfriend, Tangerine, who’s an aspiring clothes designer. To impress Tangerine, the boy talks the Garbage Pail Kids into helping him sew dresses in return for helping them find their friends at the state home for the ugly. After that, it starts getting ridiculous.

What Makes it Watch-able: This movie has always been terrible. Watching it is like tongue kissing a booger. The sole redeeming element of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is the varied and very 80s costumery of Tangerine (in the movie, she calls them her “creations”). She looks a lot like Jessie Spano, and the outfits speak volumes. Other than that, this film is total and complete crap.

I wish I’d never gone down this road again, and Matt, forgiving you for this one is gonna be hard. Never have I been so appalled by puppetry. Never have costumes cost me so much. My soul has been blemished by bad acting and the single worst musical number in the history of cinema (apparently, “we can do anything by working with each other”).

And riddle me this: How in the heck do a bunch of fluid dripping trogs pick up sewing? Where did they learn this skill? Who took the time to teach them? Not that the plot of this movie doesn’t have other holes, but the sewing thing is a key element of the film–they could’ve offered some sort of explanation, no matter how thin, and I would’ve accepted it immediately just so I never had to think about it again.

There were times during this film, especially when the pimply, incontinent character was on-screen, where I just didn’t think I could take it. Unfortunately, I went through with it anyway, and will have to live with my decision. If you are stupid, or if you hate yourself with a passion, check this movie out. If not, burn them. Burn them all.

Breaks needed to complete viewing: 0
Times I averted my eyes: over 5
Overall rating from 1 to 10: 2 (Tangerine does it again!)

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