You Can’t Watch This

Copper Mountain: A Club Med Experience - Dir. David Mitchell (1983)

I always knew that Jim Carrey was good for something. Actually, I don’t want to mock the guy (”Eternal Sunshine” showed even people who can’t stand him what he’s truly capable of). As far as first leading roles go, he could’ve done better, but “Copper Mountain” got him to where he’s at now, so who am I to judge. This movie is a dud in just about every sense of the word. If you set out to make a movie that almost no one could enjoy, this would make great research material.

The Plot: Jim Carrey and Alan Thicke head off to Club Med to chill out. Jim’s character, Bobby, is no ace with the ladies. While Thicke’s character plans on spending his time on the slopes and insulting everyone he runs into, Bobby does his best to meet chicks by doing impressions and bouncing around like a dumb-ass. What a set-up! Not much really happens. There are a TON of musical numbers that are okay for their camp value, as well as plenty of shots of folks heading down the slopes, which I imagine is impressive to those who ski. If your local video store has a copy of this film, and you’re really into movies where the plot barely exists, give Copper Mountain a shot.

What Makes it Watchable: It’s sort of fun to see Alan Thicke portraying a young man with poor social skills and the priorities of an over libidinous teenager. If Mike Seaver had gotten a hold of a copy of “Copper Mountain”, he’d have had some great ammo when Maggie or the Doc caught him coming in late (remember that time when Mike went to the party with Boner and everyone was doing cocaine in the bathroom?) or his mouth got a little too sassy.

So, what was the deal with skiing in the 80s? I have no idea why everyone liked that stupid sport so much (of course it’s only stupid because I’m no good at it). You’ve got tons of movies coming out where skiing is the focus, in whole or in part, of the plot. Now I understand, and even sympathize with all the movies that came out with plots surrounding a computer or a video game, but those things were relatively new, right? It’s not like skiing came out in 1977 and people had a reason to get so gung ho about it. Where are all the movies about pogo-balls? Having seen the Garbage Pail Kids movie (look for the review under “What I’ve Already Watched”–it’s horrid!), maybe we’re better off without a film that follows every 80s trend. Seriously, though, skiing?! Personally, I think side-hacking makes a far better sport for a film to revolve around…

Another thing about 80s movies that I don’t really get is the nearly universal presence of a character that spends the entire film trying to impress/bed a woman. Didn’t those kids have stocks to buy? I’d also like to know what the chances really are of your car landing in a swimming pool when you lose control of it. I can only imagine that the likelihood increases as the make of the vehicle becomes more expensive. A few other things that the 80s had that don’t seem to show up too much anymore: fun, frivolous frat parties, wet t-shirt contests, pet turtles, phone booths, asymetrical sunglasses, pleats, hot tubs, expensive dinners with tiny portions, cool people who smoke, kids getting stuffed in their lockers, secret “peep-holes”, and short cuts. Also, today’s actors don’t do enough rhyming when they talk (i.e. “Big John is in, let the fun begin”).

Anywho, this film probably isn’t worth your time. I actually had a little fun watching it because I dug the band, but I doubt that most people will (great rendition of “Lodi”, and a stage presense that is great, though difficult to describe). Alan Thicke fans (yeah, I know you’re out there) might get a kick out of seeing him in this type of role. Jim Carrey fans should definitely stay away. 

Averted Eyes: 0

Breaks Needed to Complete Viewing: 0

Overall Rating from 1 to 10: 3.5

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Okay, Dave. I watched it, though it took me 2 days (I fell asleep watching it last night, but started it again this afternoon). I’m wondering if the suggestion was made after you had already watched it, or if you simply figured it had to be bad…

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (aka Police Academy 7)- Dir. Allan Metter (1994)

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I’m quite sure this movie delivered it to a T. I remember in my youth thinking that once Mahoney left, the series got a bit stupid. Though it’s hard to dismiss the antics of Jones and Tackleberry–and Callahan is always a treat–once the 5th installment hit (I’d have been about 10), I figured that my tastes had matured enough to disregard any additional sequels. By the strange twist of fortune that is this website, I once again found myself engulfed by the mad-cap antics of the not-so-ready-for-the-force police officers I so adored in their first 4 films. Was I disappointed? That’s a difficult question to answer.

The Plot: Lassard, Jones, Tackleberry, Harris (where’s Procter when you need him?), Callahan, and the new guy are all invited to help solve crime in Russia. The producer of of the world’s most popular Game Boy cartridge (simply known as “The Game” and about a bear that can only beat up Ruskies or run away) is also the head of a crime organization that the former cadets are asked to crack wide open. They haphazardly do.

What Makes it Watch-able: There were, surprisingly, several things about this film that I liked. First, the movie has a STUNNING cast. Along with the regulars left over from the previous Police Academy films, you’ve got Ron Perlman (who I remember best from Alien: Ressurection and The City of Lost Children, but who’s been in a TON of movies), Christopher Lee (biggest resume ever), and my personal favorite, Claire Forlani (one of the most gorgeous actresses to ever grace the big screen). How does this happen? How did these people end up in Police Academy 7? The world may never know, but hey, I’m not complaining! I’m telling you, though, if the casting director could have gotten Jaleel White in a supporting role, this movie would have been a hit!

There are certain things that are always funny. Not too many of them make an appearance here, but I must say that I can’t help but laugh when people dress up as trees and bushes in order to casually sneak up on something. There’s also a great scene involving Commandant Lassard trying unsuccessfully to eat a hard boiled egg that’s about 23 seconds of pure bliss. Jones opens a safe by talking to it in “clicks”, which is a little corny, but still time well spent. There’s a ballet sequence that should have been funny, but didn’t quite make it. If you want to see a REALLY funny ballet scene, check out Brain Doners (1992)–while watching the crappy scene in Police Academy, I thought of the fantastic scene in Brain Doners and it made me laugh out loud.

Mission to Moscow also contains a surprising amount of agility and feats of strength caught on film. There are several instances where these crazy Russian performers really make the movie fun by doing some very impressive acrobatics and stunts.

Now, would I call this a good movie? Not in any sense of the term. I fell asleep during it once already, and I doubt that I’d go out of my way even a little to watch it again. However, compared to a lot of the stuff I’ve put myself through (the recent remake of The Eye with Jessica Alba, or Top Gun for example), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow is a cut above! 

Averted Eyes: 0

Breaks Needed to Complete Viewing: 1 enormous one

Overall rating: 4.5 of 10

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From Justin to Kelly: Dir. Robert Iscove 2003

Okay, people. This kind of crap just shouldn’t be allowed. Rise up, brothers and sisters, and demand more from your cinema. Or don’t. I don’t care…

The Plot: This movie stars Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini of American Idol fame as the two title characters. Along with two friends each, Justin and Kelly separately head off to spring break and meet up on the beach. Initially turned off by Justin’s “bad boy” ways, Kelly eventually gets close enough to examine his soft, sensitive underbelly and finds that he’s not the disrespectful-to-women dolt that she first thought.

Kelly’s unbelievably evil and callouse friend, Alexa, does everything in her power to keep the two apart and score Justin for herself–alas, to no avail! Nothing forged by god or man could keep these Idols from singing to/adoring each other.

What Makes It Watch-able: Well, it’s not the songs (puke), or the acting (gag), or even the incredibly captivating plot (spew). There’s a lot of bikini-clad co-eds and shirtless–ugh–hunks of man meat; there’s even a hovercraft race (I’ll admit, I almost thought it was gonna get good at this point). I’ll tell you, though, what really steals the show is Kelly Clarkson’s stupid beachware. Picture a pair of daisy dukes with knee-length frills made out of neckties. I’m not even kidding. While the film had me wanting revenge on the whole ridiculous system that created it, it also made me sincerely want to wear purple spandex and clam-diggers adorned with palm trees and tucans.

This movie has no place in this world. If the Martians are currently recieving signals from Earth that look anything like this, they’re not even gonna talk to us before they zap our species into oblivion. Thanks a heap, Justin and Kelly. We’re doomed and it’s all your fault. Oh, and where’s the chemistry? Wasn’t this supposed to be a love story? At least they sang more than they talked; at least Kelly managed to squeeze in a little backwards feminism between the T and the A (”don’t you pigs realize how degrading to women whipped cream bikinis are?”); at least it was only 81 minutes long (no, I didn’t opt for the extended cut, which was, of course, offered on the disk).

Averted Eyes: 0

Breaks Needed to Complete viewing: 1

Overall rating from one to ten: 3

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