From Justin to Kelly: Dir. Robert Iscove 2003

Okay, people. This kind of crap just shouldn’t be allowed. Rise up, brothers and sisters, and demand more from your cinema. Or don’t. I don’t care…

The Plot: This movie stars Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini of American Idol fame as the two title characters. Along with two friends each, Justin and Kelly separately head off to spring break and meet up on the beach. Initially turned off by Justin’s “bad boy” ways, Kelly eventually gets close enough to examine his soft, sensitive underbelly and finds that he’s not the disrespectful-to-women dolt that she first thought.

Kelly’s unbelievably evil and callouse friend, Alexa, does everything in her power to keep the two apart and score Justin for herself–alas, to no avail! Nothing forged by god or man could keep these Idols from singing to/adoring each other.

What Makes It Watch-able: Well, it’s not the songs (puke), or the acting (gag), or even the incredibly captivating plot (spew). There’s a lot of bikini-clad co-eds and shirtless–ugh–hunks of man meat; there’s even a hovercraft race (I’ll admit, I almost thought it was gonna get good at this point). I’ll tell you, though, what really steals the show is Kelly Clarkson’s stupid beachware. Picture a pair of daisy dukes with knee-length frills made out of neckties. I’m not even kidding. While the film had me wanting revenge on the whole ridiculous system that created it, it also made me sincerely want to wear purple spandex and clam-diggers adorned with palm trees and tucans.

This movie has no place in this world. If the Martians are currently recieving signals from Earth that look anything like this, they’re not even gonna talk to us before they zap our species into oblivion. Thanks a heap, Justin and Kelly. We’re doomed and it’s all your fault. Oh, and where’s the chemistry? Wasn’t this supposed to be a love story? At least they sang more than they talked; at least Kelly managed to squeeze in a little backwards feminism between the T and the A (”don’t you pigs realize how degrading to women whipped cream bikinis are?”); at least it was only 81 minutes long (no, I didn’t opt for the extended cut, which was, of course, offered on the disk).

Averted Eyes: 0

Breaks Needed to Complete viewing: 1

Overall rating from one to ten: 3

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