Okay, Dave. I watched it, though it took me 2 days (I fell asleep watching it last night, but started it again this afternoon). I’m wondering if the suggestion was made after you had already watched it, or if you simply figured it had to be bad…

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (aka Police Academy 7)- Dir. Allan Metter (1994)

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I’m quite sure this movie delivered it to a T. I remember in my youth thinking that once Mahoney left, the series got a bit stupid. Though it’s hard to dismiss the antics of Jones and Tackleberry–and Callahan is always a treat–once the 5th installment hit (I’d have been about 10), I figured that my tastes had matured enough to disregard any additional sequels. By the strange twist of fortune that is this website, I once again found myself engulfed by the mad-cap antics of the not-so-ready-for-the-force police officers I so adored in their first 4 films. Was I disappointed? That’s a difficult question to answer.

The Plot: Lassard, Jones, Tackleberry, Harris (where’s Procter when you need him?), Callahan, and the new guy are all invited to help solve crime in Russia. The producer of of the world’s most popular Game Boy cartridge (simply known as “The Game” and about a bear that can only beat up Ruskies or run away) is also the head of a crime organization that the former cadets are asked to crack wide open. They haphazardly do.

What Makes it Watch-able: There were, surprisingly, several things about this film that I liked. First, the movie has a STUNNING cast. Along with the regulars left over from the previous Police Academy films, you’ve got Ron Perlman (who I remember best from Alien: Ressurection and The City of Lost Children, but who’s been in a TON of movies), Christopher Lee (biggest resume ever), and my personal favorite, Claire Forlani (one of the most gorgeous actresses to ever grace the big screen). How does this happen? How did these people end up in Police Academy 7? The world may never know, but hey, I’m not complaining! I’m telling you, though, if the casting director could have gotten Jaleel White in a supporting role, this movie would have been a hit!

There are certain things that are always funny. Not too many of them make an appearance here, but I must say that I can’t help but laugh when people dress up as trees and bushes in order to casually sneak up on something. There’s also a great scene involving Commandant Lassard trying unsuccessfully to eat a hard boiled egg that’s about 23 seconds of pure bliss. Jones opens a safe by talking to it in “clicks”, which is a little corny, but still time well spent. There’s a ballet sequence that should have been funny, but didn’t quite make it. If you want to see a REALLY funny ballet scene, check out Brain Doners (1992)–while watching the crappy scene in Police Academy, I thought of the fantastic scene in Brain Doners and it made me laugh out loud.

Mission to Moscow also contains a surprising amount of agility and feats of strength caught on film. There are several instances where these crazy Russian performers really make the movie fun by doing some very impressive acrobatics and stunts.

Now, would I call this a good movie? Not in any sense of the term. I fell asleep during it once already, and I doubt that I’d go out of my way even a little to watch it again. However, compared to a lot of the stuff I’ve put myself through (the recent remake of The Eye with Jessica Alba, or Top Gun for example), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow is a cut above! 

Averted Eyes: 0

Breaks Needed to Complete Viewing: 1 enormous one

Overall rating: 4.5 of 10

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