You Can’t Watch This

Tom wrote: I dare you to watch “Teeth,” if you haven’t already.I know you’ve heard of it.  I just want to read your always well articulated
take on it. 

Teeth - Dir. Mitchell Lichtenstein 2007 

Sorry it’s been a little while since the last review (I seem to say that a lot, but oh well–if you don’t like it, feel free to watch this crap yourself). I have a treat for everyone: the best movie I’ve ever seen! That’s a bit of an overstatement, but there’s something inherently right about Teeth. I’m extremely easy to please when it comes to movies, but it’s very rare when something delights me this much. With a little bit of everything I ever want to see in a film, Teeth is a rare and unexpected gem that I’m glad I watched. Thanks Tom (and thanks for calling my writing well articulated–I deserve it)!

The Plot: If you’ve never heard of Teeth, here’s the premise: an innocent teenage girl is born with toothed lady bits. On the real. Dawn is into taking it easy, saving herself for marriage, and unicorns…until the day she meets Tobey at a promise to never have sex rally. You know how kids are–after fighting thier feelings for all of about ten minutes, Dawn ends up in a sticky situation with her suitor on top of her. The vile Tobey starts taking things too far, but thanks to Dawn’s peculiar endowment, his ding-dong is no match for her na-na. The film is relentless in providing foul men to sever from that point on, and the audience gets quite an eyeful.

What Makes It Watch-able: Teeth is not the perfect film, but it has all of the qualities that a perfect film should have. I know that some of you will be turned off by the very thought of a penis eating vagina, and that’s understandable (I guess), but I must say that Teeth does it with style. There’s a littel gore, though not enough to sate gore-lovers (which is fine by me); the camp value of the film is the real prize. Plenty of humor and playfulness make the film a lot more light-hearted (and that is the right term) than you might imagine. There’s not a decent male character in the whole movie, which is necessary and fitting. Dawn is portrayed perfectly, and the story is fun to watch unfold –even if it’s a bit thin at points. Teeth also features a few shots of the road I used to live in in Austin, which might not mean much to anyone else, but it tickled me pink.

I’ve seen several reviews or comments about Teeth being a feminist movie. If this is feminism, sign me up. A few ex-girlfriends and Ani DiFranco liner notes almost had me convinced that calling broads ”womyn” was a step in the right direction, but that’s a bit on the heavy side if you ask me. I’d have gone to Lilith Fair if the Spice Girls would have been on the ticket. Not that everything has to be fun, but when something is, I’m a lot more likely to want to be a part of it. Don’t even get me started on crap like I’ve Heard the Mermaids Singing (some of the least fun you can have watching a film). Teeth is a great movie, whether it’s feminist or not. If it is, then it’s the most palatable piece of feminist media I’ve ever been exposed to. Feminists, or who ever the heck was responsible for this should get money to make more of it. Kudos to those who brought this movie into existence, no matter what their agenda!

Averted Eyes: None. Glued to the screen!

Breaks Needed to Complete Viewing: None

Rating from one to ten: 8.5

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Cotter wrote:
Hey Jon, I just saw MEET THE SPARTANS.  Absolutly terrible, I didn’t walk out on
it, but its was really stupid.  Barely any comedy.  It was all just one Cheesey
Rap Video.  It may have been one of the worst parady movies I have ever seen.
Only Mel Brooks knows how to do those well.  Welcome to movie hell
 

Meet the Spartans - Dir. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer 2008

I just don’t get parody movies sometimes. On the surface, it seems like a good idea: take a film that’s popular and make it funnier. Well, maybe not the most original way to make a movie, but there’s some potential there. Cotter’s right–Mel Brooks has done some pretty funny things with this formula. Anyway, the rash of parody films that have come out after the success of Scary Movie have, in my opinion, just gotten weird. Not weird in a good way like Pecker or Putney Swope, but weird in a bad way like a discolored, oddly shaped mole. For the little good they offer, I doubt that many people would have too much of a problem with simply removing the majority of the genre.

The Plot: If you’ve seen 300, you get the gist. If not, watch 300–it’s awesome.

What Makes it Watchable: There are a couple good gags in the movie. The Spartan men greet each other with kisses, while greeting a woman is done with a high five. That’s funny. Watching Kevin Sorbo literally prance around is pretty fun. Actually, Kevin Sorbo does a good job in this film. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy do a bad job–ever. Anyone who didn’t like Kull The Conqueror needs a reality check. The biggest problem with Meet the Spartans is that its humor relies on silly pop culture references and taking things beyond the level where they are funny. Having the main character battle a penguin instead of a wolf to prove his manhood could be pretty funny, but the crap the penguin says is so distracting that it’s impossible to enjoy the scene for what it is: a soldier fighting a guy in a penguin outfit. Really, it could have been hilarious. And the pop culture references are terrible. If you’re gonna bag on Rocky, you better make it good; and there’s really no point making jabs at things like American Idol, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. Why don’t we go ahead and beat up some wounded birds or set some orphans on fire while we’re at it? Maybe we can kick some dead horses for good measure?

Hopefully this movie and many of the others like it are just a lapse in our collective reason. With any luck, we’ll wake up a few years from now and forget that swill like this ever got made.

No Averted Eyes, No Necessary Breaks, 2.5 out of 10

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 The Rev () wrote:
Sorry to do this to you, but I dare you to watch Dead Clowns.  I did, and I want
that part of my life back.  The best thing on this disc are the trailers, so I
would recommend not skipping them.  Drive Thru sure did look like something
special…

Apology accepted, Rev! Dead Clowns: Dir. Steve Sessions 2003

I did watch all of the trailers, and must admit that I wished I’d have stopped the disk once they were finished. This film, like so many others, relies heavily on the fact that most people don’t ask for their money back at the video store. Dead Clowns is a tough thing to sit through, especially if you try and pay attention to it. Though it had a few redeeming qualities, they were far outnumbered by the amount of time the film spent doing pretty much nothing.

The Plot: In a sleepy coastal town, in the not-so-distant past, a train carrying circus folk was swept away by a hurricane. The clown car fell into the ocean and, for some reason, the townspeople covered it up. Now, during a new hurricane, the dead clowns are back in zombie form and taking their vengance on the next generation of townsfolk. Additionally, we also meet a Mickey and Mallory Knox-type couple who kill people with no remorse in hopes of getting on TV.

What Makes it Watch-able: Well, if you’re into gore for gore’s sake (and you’ve never seen it done really well), you might be impressed by some of the eating people scenes. I have to give the make-up crew some credit, as some of the zombies looked okay. There is also a skeleton puppet that walks around for a couple shots that I think deserves a cheer. Actually, the overall lack of computer effects in Dead Clowns is both commendable and appreciated.

As for the other facets of the film, dissapointed would be the wrong word, as my expectations were non existant. How about boring? Laborious? Crapulent? The plot is incredibly disjointed. The acting, though passable in some portions, is truly trying overall. The Natural Born Killer couple is particularly grating. What little plot the movie has is terrible, and while it might have been due to my mind’s constant wanderings during the viewing, it was also quite difficult to keep the story lines of the various characters straight. It was almost as if whatever was currently on screen was sucking the life out of whatever was going to come next. TOTAL FLOP!

I’m going to stop talking about Dead Clowns in particular and express my recent feelings about horror films in general for a bit. Is it just me or is everyone having a hard time finding good horror flicks? I went to see The Strangers in the theater a few days ago, and while I don’t want to pick on it too much (I’ve certainly seen worse), it just seemed to be the latest in a long string of horror films that have left me feeling empty. It’s like every horror movie that comes out falls into one of two categories: Gummo or Clueless. I’m going to throw The Strangers into the Gummo category (and those Saw movies, though i admit i’ve only watched the first one): a drawn out tale of trashy people doing trashy things. There’s nothing particularly interesting about the plot (a young couple is terrorized by weirdos); there’s good suspense at points, but it all gets ruined by a story that does nothing for the viewer. In the Clueless category: the American The Eye with Jessica Alba and any of these other films that focus on 15 to 25 year old goofballs who you end up wanting to get hacked up after watching them for 20 minutes. I keep feeling either let down or dirty when I finish watching a horror movie. What happened to feeling scared?! What happened to getting freaked out?! There is a distinct difference between being scared and being vomitous, and a huge difference between getting freaked out and being turned off. Aren’t there any horror films out there for adults? Anyway, if you’ve seen anything you think I might enjoy, I’d certainly appreciate it. I love watching crap for this website (just as much as I loved it before the website came about–or even more), but I have to know that it’s being balanced out by something or I’ll get depressed!

Averted eyes: 0

Breaks needed to complete viewing: 1 very long one

Overall rating from 1 to 10: 2.5

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