You Can’t Watch This

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - Dir. Ken Kwapis 2005

I don’t know exactly how many men in rural New Hampshire have walked into a video store and requested “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”–I imagine that there have been a few who’ve picked it up for a daughter or significant other. My girlfriend and I went together to procure this movie, and thankfully (I thought), she took it upon herself to go to the counter and ask if the movie was in. Not that it is a huge deal for me to do it myself, but it was nice of her to eliminate the possibility of the clerk giving me a funny look. However, when she was told that both of the copies were rented out, she immediately yelled across the video store something to the effect of: “Jon, that movie you wanted, “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”, you know, the one you’ve been wanting to watch, the one about the magical pants that women like and men don’t, about the sisterhood–well, it’s not in. You can probably come in later in the week and rent “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”, Jon, but today you’ll have to rent something else”. Which is fine, and a little funny. What I’m trying to say is that, even if this film ended up being more magical than a unicorn in glass slippers under Harry Potter’s cloak, the act of renting it, for a man, at least, can easily be compared to purchasing tampons. This film is, without a doubt, meant for women; for males, it is pretty ineffectual if used as intended.

The Plot: Four best friends are preparing to spend their first summers apart. When shopping for traveling clothes, they happen upon a pair of pants that magically looks good on all of them, despite their noticably different dimensions. Immediately aware of the “miracle”, the four decide to make a pact/have a seance/braid each other’s hair in a circle to determine what should be done with the pants. It is agreed upon that the pants will travel to each member of the sisterhood for a week at a time throughout the summer.

What Makes It Watchable: Well, if you’ve ever dreamed about a pair of pants that makes not only your butt, but the butts of your three BFFs look great, every single second of this film will be completely captivating. If you’ve ever traveled to a far away place and hoped that a beautiful Greek boy would sweep you off your feet, wished you could bed your male soccer coach, or prayed you’d end up being the best bridesmaid ever–pick this film up ASAP.

It’s not that the film wasn’t thoughtful, and it’s not that it’s not heart-felt, and it’s not that it wasn’t a great example of how the bonds of friendship can get you through all times, both good and bad–it is all of these to an extreme that few movies can acheive without imploding–it’s just that there’s a good segment of the population (I’d estimate something like 49%) that simply doesn’t want these things from a movie. For a teen drama aimed at young women, “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” is a step in the right direction (though, I’d have to say that, in my opinion, “Mean Girls” is the golden standard for the genre). If you’re looking for something to watch with the teen girl in your life that won’t give you a complex about knowing a teen girl, this is better than most. If you’re looking for anything other than what you think this movie will be like (and most decidedly is), rent something else.

No Averted Eyes

No Breaks Needed to Complete Viewing

Overall Rating from 1 to 10: 5.5 (which makes this better than Top Gun)

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Top Gun - Dir. Tony Scott 1986

Okay, I was actually going to write about “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” today, since I watched it yesterday, but I feel that addressing “Top Gun” is a far more pressing matter. There’s a reason why I hadn’t watched this movie in a good 15 or 20 years. When I popped it into my DVD player last month, I wasn’t expecting much–and not much is indeed what I got. I have no idea how this movie got so popular, and no one has ever been able to give me a good reason why it is (”It’s just cool” is not a reason, it’s an excuse).

The Plot: Everyone’s seen this, so I’m not going to waste my time going too deep here. Tom Cruise’s character Maverick and a bunch of other people with funny names fly airplanes and act tough. Every once in a while, someone “buzzes the tower” and makes one of his superiors angry. Somebody dies, somebody falls in love, and a few people gain respect for each other–even though you never thought they could.

What Makes it Watchable: I have no idea. I know people who have watched this movie a million times, and I just don’t get it. The film’s been out for 22 years, and for a good portion of them grown men considered it the height of cool to slap hands and declare that they had the “need for speed” or call each other “Goose”, “Iceman”, or whatever. I bare a particular grudge against this movie because I had to watch it so many friggin times when I was a kid. Though there were plenty of truly awesome movies that came out in the mid 80’s, it was like a huge portion of America had only ever heard of this one. Go figure.

Another thing that I don’t get about fans of this film is that so few will admit that it’s a little gay. How people who absolutely refused to watch “Brokeback Mountain” because it was “gay” can sit and watch that beach volleyball scene in “Top Gun” and declare it “cool” is beyond me. “Top Gun” fans talk about the movie like it’s a classic; somehow this contrived, predictable, and at times boring movie has become something that everyone should watch (while with anything containing subtitles or actors you’ve never heard of is easily dismissed).

This movie hasn’t gotten any better since the first time I saw it, but it hasn’t gotten any worse, either. “Top Gun” continues to be a mediocre film (though when viewed as a commercial for joining the Navy, it is nothing less than spectacular) with a crappier than average plot and lots of airplanes. It’s not that this film is THAT bad, cause frankly I’ve seen worse–it’s that people claim it’s SO GOOD. I’ve had to sit through some terrible stuff, but few films other than ”Top Gun” have inspired so many people to insist that I watch it again and give it “another try”.

Averted eyes: none

Breaks needed to complete viewing: none 

Overall rating from one to ten: 4 

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